CONTROL [Chapter 2]
Saturday, February 24, 2018
Yey I'm back again bringing Control! So I happen to make some points mentioning fanfictions in my recent new year resolution and one of them is to upload more regularly and I hope this chapter is early enough;;;
Focusing on writing for B.A.P is a new year resolution for me so yea. Anyway since some of you have been asking, it’s not my first time discovering B.A.P so um if you have the time you may check [plan about things I’ll be doing from the start] but the reasons why I didn’t write for B.A.P for so long are… not that simple.
Okay so let's not talk about that we're only 2 months in and I don't want to mention sensitive things when not necessary hehehe anyway enjoy chapter 2!
▲
He
tries to ignore it at first, because they all want to look good, all want to
stay fit. And Jongup has had his share of insecurity, so he can understand
Junhong’s drive. But Junhong’s bordering on obsession now, and Jongup isn’t
sure what to think. He notices how Junhong talks less now during workouts, just
arrives and jumps right in, totally focused. He notices how he sets the
treadmill to intense, notices how he
focuses less on lifting and body building, more on cardio and weight burning.
Junhong’s getting really small, he’s really tall but small, he looks weak,
really quickly, and Jongup finds himself asking Junhong for more breaks than
usual, just so that Junhong will rest for a few minutes. He finds himself
messing up the dances on purpose so that they can stop for five while Jongup is
“figuring out the steps”. It isn’t until the third week however, that Jongup
knows for sure, Junhong is out of control.
They
are dancing again ; this is one of Junhong’s favourite cardio. Jongup thinks
it’s probably because the music is so loud so they don’t have to talk, and the
dances are so intense that they’re bound to work up a sweat. Junhong likes to sweat, Jongup notices. He likes
to burn.
“Junhong,
let’s take a break after this?” he calls over the beat, but Junhong doesn’t
falter, his body moving with edge.
He’s
killing their choreography for the comeback, but Jongup thinks it looks more
like he’s killing himself. This next
part in the choreography is harder, and Jongup winces as Junhong doesn’t land
it, twisting and staggering forward. He hears the magnae curse, and he steps
forward.
“Let’s
just take a break–“
“Again.”
Junhong answers sharply, struggling to catch his breath. “Play it back.”
“Junhong,
I really think you–“
“I
said play it back, Jongup.” He spits.
Jongup
looks at him in shock, while they play around sometimes, Jongup is still the
older one, and tat tone is full of so much disdain, Jongup has to take a step
back. He thinks he sees regret flash over the younger’s face, but then Junhong
is scoffing and walking towards the stereo.
“I’ll
do it myself then.” Junhong mutters, and then the beat is bouncing off the
walls again, and he’s at it again.
Jongup
looks at him, really looks at him, pale face and sweat dripping, and he feels
his stomach turn. Junhong looks sick.
And Jongup’s not sure what to do.
▲
Yongguk
knows he’s not that observant most days, knows he has tendency to drift off.
It’s hard to pay attention to things when he’s constantly in the middle of his
new life as a man living alone while trying to be in two worlds at once; his
fellow bandmates and his own. But he spends a reasonable amount of time with
Junhong in and out of the dorms as he visits them like two third of his entire
day and he stays for dinner too, and it isn’t long before he notices – notices
as in notices how Junhong doesn’t really play that much anymore, spends all his
free time working out. Yongguk sometimes can hear him while he had chats with
the rest of his members in the living room – Junhong’s feet padding against the
carpet when he’s doing jumping jacks in his room. Yongguk doesn’t really want
to lose track of time while Junhong was doing it but as he was sharing lots of
stuff with his members, he begins to lose tracks. He doesn’t really remember
when Junhong started exercising in his room – but for sure it has been hours.
These
last few days he’s gone to the gym and the studio with Himchan instead of going
alone because he needs to wash the weird thoughts away – but then, none of the
members living together seems to be worried and brought the topic up though, so
Yongguk doesn’t either.
Things
go different for Himchan.
Things
aren’t that weird between him and Junhong actually. Sometimes Junhong crawls
into his bed at night, fools around with him and the others during exercises
and breakfasts and lunches and dinners and every other time, cuddles with him
when they’re watching late night movies – but things go different and Himchan
started to notice. Junhong gets cold during cuddles, even when the heater’s on,
and Junhong doesn’t take any pictures with anyone outside of work. Himchan
never thought much of it when the younger wants to eat in his room, or when he
eats outside of the dorms, because well, it wasn’t much to think about but it’s
much to think about now.
It’s
Thursday night and Himchan’s late for dinner as he was preparing tracks with
Yongguk in the studio and everyone’s eaten already. He pulls himself towards
the kitchen, feeling lethargic of the take-out food after his hard day of work,
and he sees it.
Junhong’s
there and his hands are shaking for some reason. He’s glaring at the plate of
food in front of him. Himchan pauses, and Junhong doesn’t see him. He watches
as the maknae’s fingers curl around his fork, and somewhere in the back of his
mind, Himchan’s cheering the maknae on and begging him to eat, as if his
subconscious already knows what Junhong’s been doing. Junhong stays there for
another minute or so, and then shuts his eyes and drops the fork like it’s
coals. He abruptly pushes away from the counter, and Himchan slams himself against
the wall to avoid being seen. He doesn’t even know why he’s hiding, honestly,
but he knows he doesn’t want to be caught.
Junhong
quickly picks up the plate and tips it back over the garbage, throwing all the
food away. Every last bit. Then he rips a few paper towels from the roll and
crumples them up, throwing them away too. He keeps doing that until the food can’t
be seen, and then he exhales. He pours himself a glass of water and gulps it
down, then another, and another. After the fourth glass Junhong leaves the
kitchen, and Himchan’s still pressed against the wall, shaking. What the hell was that?
After
eating his own dinner, Himchan’s on the couch staring mindlessly at the
television when Junhong comes down the stairs. He flops down next to his hyung
obnoxiously and smiles, and Himchan almost melts with affection because Junhong
hasn’t smile in so long, and seeing it makes his heart ache.
“What
are you watching?” Junhong says in a singing voice and Himchan grinds. “Finally
you’re giving yourself a break. Then I will stay in the studio with Yongguk
hyung tomorrow to help.”
Why
was he worried about the magnae again? Junhong’s even the one who worries about
him and Yongguk. He’s clearly fine.
“Probably
about to embark a journey of thriller movies and ice cream. Wanna join me?”
“Sure,
minus the ice cream. I’m stuffed from dinner.” Junhong pat his stomach for good
measure, and Himchan watches his hand sink into his hoodie. The bulk of the
sweater isn’t enough to hide how far Junhong’s hand falls and suddenly Himchan
remembers why he was worried.
“Yeah,
dinner was good.” He comments casually, lamely, reaching for the remote.
Junhong
doesn’t reply for a while when Himchan is preparing for movie and a glass of
ice cream. “Kind of good but hyung’s dish is always better.”
“Did
you enjoy today’s dinner?” Himchan urges further, and Junhong leans into him,
positioning himself beside Himchan.
“Yup,
cleaned my plate. But I hope hyung cook tomorrow? I know you’re tired but I
will help Yongguk hyung instead and you can rest and cook for dinner?” Himchan
swears this is the longest conversation he has had with Junhong after his
changes and he’s not sure whether this is good or not.
“Of
course, Junhong. It’s good if you love my dish. Just tell me what you want and
I’ll cook, okay?” and his heart sinks because Junhong is lying and Himchan
can’t help but wonder how many other times he’s lied before. How many other plates
he emptied that way and how many
other times he cooked for six but one didn’t even touch it.
▲
Daehyun’s
the next to find out.
He
has a habit of coming home late from the studio. Unlike Yongguk who works at
noon, Daehyun goes to the studio after everyone’s done with the activities so
the members know better than to stay up and wait for his return. It’s around 3
when he slips in the door, shutting it with a quiet click behind him. This is
normal. The house is silent, except the quiet hum of the television and
Yongguk’s voice in the line, telling the leader he arrives safely. This is
normal. He shrugs off his jacket and shuffles past the living room, where he
finds Jongup and Youngjae sprawled off on the couch. This is normal so he
switches off the box, muttering about responsibility. He makes his way to the
kitchen and sees the multitude of wares stacked high in the sink, and he
scoffs. It’s his night to clean up, so even himself isn’t surprised. This is
normal.
After
chugging some juice straight from the carton in a manner that makes him feel a
little regret, and more than manly, he drags his tired limbs to his room. All
the bedroom doors are shut, except for Junhong’s, and that shouldn’t be normal,
but it is sometimes, so he moves past in the darkness, rubbing his eyes heavy
with sleep. He thinks he can salvage about four hours of sleep tonight, five if
Himchan’s feeling generous in the morning. It’s only because it’s dark, Daehyun
notices the light peeking through the door. The bathroom door that is. And it’s
only instinct to slow down, to squint and focus gaze on something that stands
out. So of course he pauses, and the house is so quiet that all Daehyun can
hear is his slow breath. And Junhong.
The
quiet retching is a disturbance in the silence, and the concept of sleep is
quickly pushed to the back of his mind as he moves closer to the door. He hears
a muffled gasp and Daehyun peeks through the door to find Junhong bracing his
arms on the bowl of the toilet, sweat dripping down his neck and a hand in his
mouth.
This
is definitely not normal.
Daehyun
wants to make a sound, wants to alert the magnae that he’s there, he’s here,
and he’s very confused at the sight in front of him. He watches as Junhong
wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, tips his head back, breathing slow.
He watches as Junhong closes his eyes, bends forward, and invades his mouth
with his own two fingers in a practiced manner, eyes shut and body hurtling
forward as he retches again. Daehyun slaps his hand over his mouth as his eyes
widen, prickling with definitely not
tears because Daehyun does not cry ; but Junhong definitely does not make
himself throw up so what is Junhong doing? The magnae’s fingers are shaking as
they grip the toilet seat, and Daehyun thinks, bitterly, how unsanitary of the
magnae. He wants to look away, wish he’d just gone to bed, but he can’t, and he
didn’t, and Daehyun thinks bitterly, how ironic it is that Junhong’s the one
with his fingers down his throat, but Daehyun’s the one who’s choking.
He
doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how to react. Why is Junhong doing this? What is going on? The questions whirl
around him as he staggers back, hurrying into his room and shutting the door
behind him. He curls into his bed, not even bothering to change his clothes as
he tries to soothe the chill that’s surrounding him. He can just barely make
out the disgusting sounds, muted by the walls. But he knows it’s there. He
knows Junhong is still forcing his throat raw, and he just doesn’t know what to
do. He shuts his eyes, hoping it’ll stop, praying the younger will just go to
bed. But he doesn’t. Junhong retches for, Daehyun doesn’t know how long, before
the toilet flushes.
And
Daehyun doesn’t sleep a wink.
▲
The
next morning, Daehyun watches the sun rise, watches Himchan stir in his sleep
and listens as the atmosphere comes alive around him. He looks like a mess –Daehyun
that is– ; spent half the night definitely
not crying, and the other half arguing internally about what to do about
his recent revelation. He has come up with every reason to tell someone and
every excuse on Junhong’s behalf, just so it’s a fair debate. Who would he tell
though? He figures Yongguk, of course he would be the first one who come up in Daehyun’s
mind, or Himchan who is just a few inches away right now, as that’s the most
sensible decision. But how does he even bring that up?
Yongguk hyung, might wanna check up on Junhong.
Caught him sticking four fingers down his throat last night. Freaky stuff.
Or
how about Himchan hyung, I think
Junhong’s sick. I was creeping on him last night and happened to see him
vomiting on purpose for a while. Perhaps he’s coming down with something? Daehyun
groans in frustration, dragging his fingers down his face and reluctantly
lifting his heavy frame from the bed. He doesn’t even know how he’s going to
face Junhong today.
Daehyun’s
acting weird and Junhong can’t stand it. His throat is sore and his body is
screaming with exhaustion as he finishes the choreography for the ninth time
that morning. He wants to focus on hitting every move, but he can’t help but
notice Daehyun noticing him every five minutes. This morning at breakfast, Daehyun
watched intently as he fiddled with his plate. Even though he took five minutes
maximum in the bathroom, Daehyun insisted on brushing his teeth while Junhong
showered. On the way to the studio, Daehyun hasn’t spare a single glance nor
had he spoken much all morning, but suddenly the magnae was the most
interesting thing in the room, and Daehyun didn’t seem to want to tear his gaze
away. Choreographer was talking with Youngjae about something the magnae has
little interest in, so he grabs his water bottle and stands before the mirror,
examining himself. He looks up at the reflection, locking eyes with his hyung
across the room. Daehyun is watching him with a heavy gaze, and Junhong feels
small under his analytical stare. He wonders if Daehyun is also coming to see
how fat he’s become. He averts his gaze, hugging his torso uncomfortably as he
directs his attention to Youngjae’s body.
Youngjae’s
thin, maybe the thinnest of them all. His legs are quite slender ; Junhong’s are sausages by comparison, and his
waist is small; almost as small as Daehyun’s. As the thought pops into his
head, Junhong’s eyes flutter to Daehyun, who’s stretching his arms up while
Choreographer speaks quickly. Daehyun’s shirt rises up, exposes a strip of
smooth, cream skin, and Junhong tries to hide his anger as he sees how slim and
beautiful Daehyun’s waist truly is. But then he looks back to Youngjae, and his
waist seems even smaller. Has Youngjae
lost weight? The magnae’s eyes flit back and forth between his two hyungs,
comparing them with envy burning in his narrowed eyes. Nevermind, Youngjae’s
waist is definitely the smallest. But Daehyun’s is still smaller than average,
smaller than Junhong’s–
“Junhong-ah?”
Jongup’s voice cuts through his thoughts, and it’s only then Junhong realizes
he’s been glaring at the noisy boy across the room for a few minutes, and
Daehyun is awkwardly trying not to catch the intense gaze.
Junhong
clears his throat and shakes his head, eyes meeting Jongup’s concerned ones.
“We’re
running it again… are you okay?” He asks the magnae. Junhong only grunts in
response and walks over to Daehyun who’s already on the floor, waiting for him
to take his place.
He
doesn’t look in his hyung’s direction, just lays on the floor and delicately
rests his head on Daehyun’s thigh. The elder shifts, uncomfortable by the
tension, and Junhong can feel how thin his thighs really are. And for some
reason, that makes Junhong angry. And Junhong suddenly hates Daehyun.
And
he hates himself.
After
a few more hours, choreographer says they can break for lunch if they’d like.
Immediately, Jongup’s eyes are on Junhong. Will
he take the break?
He
does.
The
boys gather around the food; it’s pizza, one of Junhong’s favourites. They
share out the food among them. Junhong’s the last to take. Himchan holds his
breath. Will he eat it?
He
does.
Jongup
notices Himchan’s heavy stare and nudges his fellow member. The two hold a gaze
that speaks more than either can, or wants rather, to have to explain. Jongup
looks away, back at the magnae who’s staring remorsefully at his pizza. He’s
only taken a few bites before he puts it down. He moves to get up and Himchan
doesn’t miss the way Daehyun’s head snaps up.
“Where
are you going, Junhong?” Daehyun sputters the question and Yongguk looks at him
questioningly.
He
clears his throat. “Aren’t you going to finish your pizza? It’s so good.” He
speaks softly but his eyes are so urgent that Jongup almost winces.
“I
just need to go to the bathroom.” Junhong says simply, as he unfolds his legs
and rises.
As
he walks away, Daehyun clenches his jaw and his knuckles are white gripping his
plate so hard; Youngjae has to reach over and take it from him.
Junhong
disappears out the door, and Himchan cocks his head to the side. “Have
Junhong’s legs always been so skinny?”
And
then Daehyun’s standing up and storming to the door, and Himchan and Jongup
won’t look at each other and Youngjae are looking more confused than ever and
it’s really pissing Yongguk off. “Okay
kids what the hell is going on?”
“I
need to–“
“Someone
should go after–“
Both
Himchan’s and Jongup’s excuses barrel out of their mouths, overlapping one
another in a race to get out of the situation first. It’s not like they don’t
want to help their friends –they know they have to tell someone in order to
help Junhong– but it’s just damn hard to say it out loud, to talk about, to
admit.
“No
one is going anywhere, sit down.” Yongguk says firmly and the boys drop,
silently. Daehyun stops at the doorway but doesn’t turn.
“I’ll
ask you all again. What the hell is going on?”
▲
Junhong’s
throat is burning as he washes his hands. He’s got some honey and lemon water
in his bag that’s supposed to soothe his throat, because they’ve got rehearsal
tonight. He knows he shouldn’t have eaten, but his hyungs were just watching
him like he was difussing a bomb or something. But once he swallowed the first
time, Junhong could feel the bile rising in his throat. He didn’t even have to
force it back up this time; the mere thought of consuming weight was enough to
induce it all on it’s own. He feels tired and drained, but he’s satisfied.
Knowing he’s saved himself from unnecessary pounds is more fulling than any
pizza. As he walks down the hallway to the practice room, he can hear his
hyungs speaking. They sound especially serious, in hushed tones. Junhong thinks
maybe they’re planning to prank him when he returns, and he giggles. Whatever,
this should be interesting.
When
he opens the door, the voices cease, and all eyes are on him. Suddenly, Junhong
feels naked and caught. He doesn’t know why he feels like this; he hasn’t done
anything wrong. The other boys stand up, except for Daehyun who’s already
standing and won’t look him in the eye
for some reason. Yongguk hangs up on whoever he was talking to and nods to
Youngjae.
“Junhong-ah…”
Youngjae speaks first, and his voice sounds strained.
Jongup’s
back is to Junhong, and Junhong feels very, very uncomfortable. He shrinks into
his body, feeling small, but with all of their eyes on him, Junhong also
becomes aware of himself. Does he look fat? Bloated from the vomiting?
Subconsciously, he slightly sucks in his cheeks.
“Come
here, Junhong-ah,” Youngjae says softly, reaching out his hand to the magnae.
Junhong
hesitates. Panic bells are going off in his brain as the scene plays out. Retreat! Retreat!
“Actually,
I think I forgot something in–“ He turns to go but Yongguk’s not having it.
“Junhong.”
His voice is full of authority, and Junhong remembers that Yongguk is his
hyung, a six-year gap separating them. He feels his body curl into submission
as he turns back.
“What’s
going on?” He asks innocently, and then Jongup turns around, face flushed and
stained with tears, and Junhong’s brain is definitely packing now.
Youngjae
takes his hand. “You trust us, right?”
He
says it more like a statement, and Junhong realizes he hasn’t looked at Himchan
this whole time. When he does, Himchan is looking right at him with glassy eyes
and an uncharacteristic frown.
Slowly,
Junhong nods. “Of course, I-I trust you– hyung– what– you guys are scaring me–“
Junhong’s voice is tiny.
“We
are worried about you, Junhong.” Yongguk states, and there’s a softness in his
voice. Pity.
“Wh-why
are you worried? I’m fi–“
“You’re
sick.” Daehyun spits the word like
it’s poison, and Himchan’s eyes widen, squeezing Daehyun’s arm.
Junhong
steps back, heart racing, what the hell is
this?
“Why
are you doing this? Is this accomplishing?” Daehyun fires, voice dripping with
anger and hurt and sadness, and with each word, Junhong’s getting smaller and
smaller under the intensity of his hyungs. Daehyun’s eyes are full of emotion
and the younger is crumbling.
“Hyung,
I’m sorry but let me go, he needs to hear it.” He growls and Junhong’s eyes are
dotting with tears and he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know what to do–
The
door opens and it’s manager-nim. He strolls in with a dark aura and Junhong
gulps. The manager’s eyes land on Junhong, scan him from head to toe. He
scratches his chin, and Yongguk walks over to greet him, running a hand through
his hair exasperatedly. They exchange a few words and manager-nim is frowning
deeply and Yongguk looks so serious it makes Junhong want to burst into tears. He
looks to the his other hyungs but only Youngjae can find strength to look at
him, eyes filled with guilt that Junhong can’t be comprehend.
Manager-nim
sticks his head out the door and calls to one of the girls down the hall. He
gestures quickly and then comes back, eyes trained on the magnae. It’s dead
silent in the dance studio and Junhong feels deaf with the screaming tension.
Eventually, the girl comes back with a scale tucked under her arm, and
Junhong’s heart drops to his ankles.
Oh.
Oh.
Junhong
want to scream. Junhong really, really, really wants to scream. The scale is
placed on the floor and the girl hurries away. Manager-nim’s eyes lock onto
Junhong’s and he doesn’t have to say anything, but he does anyway.
“Can
you step on the scale for me, Junhong?”
Junhong’s
heart is pounding in his ears and he feels like he’s going to throw up again.
They’re going to see how fat he is, they’re going to yell at him for being fat,
they don’t know how hard he’s trying, and…
His
thoughts swarm him as he takes slow, shaking steps forward the scale. He’s so
immersed in fear that he doesn’t even notice his hyung gathering hesitantly
behind him, holding their breath. Junhong kicks off his shoes, struggling a bit
since he’s dizzy with anxiety and
probably lack of nutrients. He puts one foot on the scale, and then the
other, eyes shut. He’s mumbling incoherent apologizes because he knows, he
knows he’s fat but he can do better, he can do better–
Himchan’s
sob rips from his throat and Junhong’s eyes shoot open as he snaps his head
back in alarm. Yongguk looks more pained than Junhong has ever seen him and
Jongup has quite tears leaking and Youngjae’s face is flushed with sadness and
Daehyun is holding Himchan with a strained expression. Like he’s trying not to
weep because Daehyun does not cry.
Manager-nim’s stony expression has fallen, and he looks up with so much
concern.
“Junhong-ah,
what did you do?”
Junhong
finally looks down at the blinking number below him. 60 kg.
▲
Q:
what about the fans who commented shits about zelo! Anyway are they even real
tweets?
Hope
that ‘fans’ burn in hell. Yes they are; I read that a while ago while stalking some accounts anyway HOW CAN THEY NOT APPRECIATE B.A.P????
HOW DARE YOU SAY RUDE THINGS ABOUT THEM;;; there were many negative comments
accusing each member but I highlighted Zelo, Yongguk, and Himchan like imo
attacking them hits the feels even more :)
It sure was funny writing the whole story when
Yongguk was like ‘what the fuck is happening in the dorm kids’ as if he’s lost because he
was fucking lost lol
next
chapter is a bit of sad [but idek what sad even mean at this point] so bear
with me ok please :) don't forget to comment!
-kairay.
1 Comments
wow ok ini panjang banget puas!
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