CONTROL [Chapter 1]
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Idk if mancemans can feel how nervous I am or not but I AM REAAAALLY
NERVOUS ABOUT THIS
a very first B.A.P fanfiction after all these
years.
starting 2018 with B.A.P yeay! new year
resolutions is up to a good start. I hope mancemans like it for I made this
first chapter before everything else. this fiction literally the one thing that
came through my mind every morning. please leave a lot of comments below I want
to know what's on your mind!
▲
It’s weigh in a day when
Junhong takes the first hit.
It’s nothing out of the
ordinary. They have weigh in days often, almost every week. Their weight and
height are both measured and recorded, so as the ease both their minds, and
their company’s minds, that the idols are keeping their bodies in their healthiest,
most appealing shape. The boys, most of them at least, don’t really care for
weigh in days, since most of the time, the boys remain consistent. But some,
like Jongup, are ever hopeful that maybe they’ve grown a few centimetres.
Unfortunately for Jongup, this is never the case, and today was no exception.
The boys line up, one
behind the other before the scale at the end of the room. Yongguk is praised,
for his quick weight loss despite his tall figure, as he was put on a diet a
while back, and the results seem pleasing to manager-nim. Junhong is paying
little attention as they shuffle forward. He’s second, and it’s his turn, now
he’s stepping on the scale, and manager-nim is frowning.
“Junhong-ah, you’ve gained
eh?” He notes, raising an eyebrow. “So do you want a comeback or not?” Junhong
stares at the floor. As if the floor is something worth watching. “This is the
comeback to bring you guys up from that unpopular comeback and this
is what you’re going to show the media?”
Junhong rubs his neck
awkwardly, fully aware of his band mates peering around him. The scale
blinks 73 kg at him and the magnae quickly steps off. He runs through
his week in his mind quickly; meals, gym time, cheating well yea with extra
dessert, and missing a morning run? But 73 kg… 73 kg?
“This is your image,
Junhong. You can’t be slacking off like this. What will the fans say? Is it
that you are not working hard?” Manager-nim inquires and Junhong shakes his
head frantically. “We know that you’re indeed the tallest, but being 73 kg is
out of control, Junhong. Even Yongguk weigh 67 kg.”
“I will work harder.” The
youngest promises, bowing and stepping away.
The line shuffles forward,
and Junhong peeks at each hyung’s weight as they are measured.
65 kg.
63 kg.
62 kg.
63 kg.
And that’s it. Junhong
keeps staring at the scale even as his hyungs disperse. He’s the heaviest. And
on top of that, the heaviest without him would be Yongguk and he is only at 67
kg. He’s the heaviest? Yes Junhong’s tall, so he knows he can’t be the lightest,
but he’s the heaviest. The thought feels sinking, and Junhong’s never really
cared before, but for some reason being the heaviest is a problem. He doesn’t
like it one bit. His eyes flicker to Yongguk. How’d Yongguk lose weight so
quickly anyway? Wasn’t he the heaviest?
Yongguk hyung probably
think too much about the damned lawsuit.
The second he realized what
he was thinking makes his heart ache – really? He’s being sensitive over a
fucking 73 kg? to Yongguk?
Junhong thinks maybe he can
ask Yongguk for his diet later, thinks maybe it would do him good as well.
Practice resumes and the
topic doesn’t come up again until later that evening.
It’s after dinner, and it’s
Yongguk’s stay tonight and is his turn to clean up the dish once in a while
after he left. He’s wiping wares and going through mismatched lyrics in his
head when Junhong appears, leaning timidly against the doorway.
“Hyung?” The magnae says,
forcing a casual that’s nothing but awkward. He’s never been this awkward with
Yongguk before, in fact they’re close, but now Yongguk raises an eyebrow.
“I was wondering if, you
know you’ve got your diet plan and everything. I was just wondering if I could
use it? I just wanna cut down a little bit. I uh, I think yours is stricter
than mine. Or something.” Junhong finishes lamely, avoiding eye contact.
Yongguk raises his other
eyebrow. “Oh, did manager-nim said you needed to lose weight?” He asks, and
Junhong’s taken aback.
Does his leader not
remember Junhong’s whopping 73 kg?
“He– I promised him I will
work harder, since I’ve gained.”
“You’ve gained? You don’t
look like–“
“I have.” Suddenly,
Junhong’s really irritated with his leader.
“Junhong, you’re always
around 70. You don’t need to feel burden by that,”
But I do.
He just wants the damn diet
plan so he can get back to his ‘normal’ weight that Yongguk
said that has always been 70, but Junhong doesn’t really remember what was his
normal weight actually. He wants to put this all behind him. He doesn’t like
being insecure, and he’s not. He just needs to get back on track. He’s an idol
after all, this is his job. But he hates having to ask for help like this. He
hates having Yongguk to know what’s on his mind.
Yongguk is thrown off by
the edge in his voice, but he shrugs it off as he hang the towel over the
kitchen rack to dry. Junhong’s a moody kid, and everyone in the group has come
to accept it, so this isn’t anything out of the ordinary.
“Yeah, okay. I understand,
Junhong. But no longer than a month, promise me.”
Junhong beams at his hyung
and nods.
“No longer than a month.”
He repeats and skips off to find Jongup.
▲
Weeks goes by, and
Junhong’s strict with himself. He follows the meal plan diligently, never
misses a work out. Himchan praises his consistency when they go to the gym
together, and for once, Junhong isn’t the one to initiate the break. Junhong
weighs himself everyday with his little white scale that stays tucked under the
sink. And yes, progressively, the blinking number decreases gradually. But not
fast enough, and just not enough in general. It’s always a decimal scraped off,
and Junhong wants to see numbers. Junhong wants to see seven shedding off in
days, which isn’t realistic, but it’s goddamn tempting to chase it. Junhong’s
not obsessing, he tells himself. He’s concerned about his body image. He’s been
noticing himself a lot more now, more aware of the weight of his steps, how
much space he takes up on the couch. But it’s definitely not obsessing. He just
wants to be healthy. Well, healthier.
Some day within their
hectic week, Junhong’s with Jongup at the studio, early one morning. They’d
come in at dawn to start practice, and now they’re waiting on the others to
arrive. Jongup’s flexing himself on the mirror, pouting and smiling and winking
and seducing himself, and Junhong laughs at hs idiocy. But then Junhong really
looks at his hyung. Jongup’s rather short but he’s strong, and built. He’s
light like the dancer he is, and his torso is appealing. Jongup’s got a solid
body. He lifts and points at himself while nodding in approval, and Junhong’s
eyes travel the dent of abs lining the hyung’s white skin. As long as he’s
friend with Jongup, he doesn’t realize that Jongup has commendable and
desirable abs.
“Not so bad, eh Junhong?”
Jongup winks at Junhong as he notices his uninterrupted stare and Junhong’s
reddens, rolling his eyes.
“You’re so full of it.” He
scoffs, getting up from his corner and walking towards the dark haired man.
As he approaches, he
notices his frame compared to Jongup’s in the mirror. He’s much much taller
that Jongup is, but he’s not nearly as built. When Junhong looks at himself
now, next to Jongup, both clad in tanks and shorts, he looks soft. He’s working
just as hard though… right?
“Hyung, do you think I’m
fat?”
Jongup’s smile falters at
the magnae’s sudden blurt. He looks over at the younger, Junhong, a close
friend of him, but his eyes are trained on himself. He wonders where this came
from, so random and unlike Junhong. Junhong’s never one to point out negative
things about his body; he’s often a very confident guy when it comes to his
physical appeal. And of course, there’s been those awful fans now and then that
have nasty things to say, but Junhong’s never let it get to him. Not like it
gets to Jongup anyways. So when Junhong asks his question, Jongup isn’t sure
how to reply, exactly.
Of course, Junhong’s not
fat. His tall figure is where his weight goes to. Junhong’s one of the fittest
guy Jongup knows. “What? No, of course not.”
Junhong doesn’t seem to
hear him. “I mean, no really. Do you think I could lose some more weight? Maybe
buff up a little?” Deep inside he’s actually laughing himself. Junhong,
a little? No. you need to buff up a lot.
Jongup pauses, but he
shakes his head, sighing. He understands now. “Ah, you’ve seen the stuff on
Twitter?”
Junhong’s eyebrows shoot up
and he looks over at Jongup. “What stuff on Twitter?”
Jongup walks over to his
bag to grab a towel. He’d checked their twitter account yesterday, seen amongst
the adoring BABYs about their comeback soon, one or two concerned users who
felt the need to tweet just how upset they were that the boys weren’t looking
as good as they could.
He dabs his forehead,
chuckling. “The negative stuff about, it doesn’t matter really. You don’t need
to listen to them. You’re a handsome boy, Junhong.”
Junhong’s heart suddenly
speeds up. Negative stuff? What negative stuff? Are people not pleased with him?
Junhong is about to ask, but Jongup continues.
“I mean, if it’s really
bothering you that much, come work out with me this week. My training’s more
intense than Yongguk hyung, it will be fun.” Jongup’s smiling to himself,
thinking about spending one on one time with the magnae.
Junhong swallows hard as
the door opens and Yongguk enters with a shivering Youngjae and a sleepy
Himchan.
“Yeah okay. It’ll be fun.”
▲
Junhong’s mad to check
their twitter account that night.
In the darkness of his room
that he used to share with Yongguk, he scrolls through the thousands of adoring
tweets, the light of his phone illuminating his face. He squints at the
characters whizzing past as his thumb flicks quickly until he finds what he’s
looking for.
“zelo-oppa’s own is not
that great.”
He pauses. What does that
mean? He sees that it’s in reply to another tweet. He clicks on the link and
sees a stream of conversation that he knows he shouldn’t read. But he does
anyway.
“ah our boys look sooooo
good.”
“wish I’d seen more of them
shirtless!”
“do they all have great
bodies? Gosh…”
“WHAT? Zelo is sooooo hot.”
“Yeah, but he doesn’t work
hard enough on his body. He should try more.”
“Oh, agreed though. Yongguk
and Himchan too. They should work harder, like Jongup and Youngjae!”
They didn’t know what
Yongguk had been doing all the time since the lawsuit ended. Even though
Yongguk lives on his new apartment, they know what each other do. They did, and
they do. Yongguk was struggling too – as much as Himchan. Yongguk used to get
critics regarding his body too and who are they, daring to say stupid things
about Yongguk, telling him to work harder when he works the hardest? Fans? And
this is Yongguk, Yongguk hyung who–
He just can’t stop
criticizing and it hurts his head.
“But Jongup is dancer so…”
“Zelo is a dancer too?
What’s his excuse? He looks fat now, just saying.”
Junhong stops there. He
shouldn’t have, because after that, there are thousands of praising fans boldly
standing up for him, and Yongguk and Himchan, but he stops there. He puts his
phone down and leans back on his mattress, blinking. What’s his
excuse? He’s cringing.
They’re not horribly mean, he reasons
half-hartedly. But their words do hurt. He works hard. He is trying to work
harder. He works out, he’s dieting, he practices non stop–
He looks fat now.
Junhong swallows down the
lump in his throat and turns over again ; feeling his phone and consider
calling Yongguk at this hour because he thought he needs to, out of all people
the name keeps shouting in his head, call hyung. call hyung.
But he didn’t.
Out of all people, why
Yongguk?
He can just run outside and
Himchan is somewhere in the dorm, or Daehyun as he can hear his voice somewhere
too.
But he didn’t.
He swallows the thought
once more. He can solve his problem. He groans and maybe it was too loud as
Himchan seems to hear it from outside and opens the door, “Junhong-ah, go to
sleep. Are you having late night thoughts? Want me to make you something warm?”
He turns over to look at
Himchan in his dark room. “No, hyung. I’m fine. I’m sorry for being loud, I’ll
try to sleep.”
“It’s because we have
practice tomorrow. I’m going to be in my room if you need anything, okay?”
As Junhong says thank you,
Himchan leaves the room and Junhong stays quiet after that. But his mind
doesn’t. Junhong doesn’t sleep that night –despite Himchan’s warning of their
practice the day after– and he decides after many hours in the
darkness that he needs to do something about this, and he needs to do it
quickly.
▲
Over the course of the next
few days, Junhong’s determined. He searches online for dieting tricks, tips for
losing weight fast, anything that will get him to be favourable in his fans’
eyes. He stumble across something called a Pro-Ana site, and that’s when
everything comes crashing down. His eyes scan over the body of bones and the
tempting forums, and for a brief moment Junhong thinks this is unhealthy now.
He looks at the thin boy in ripped jeans and ribs on display, and he thinks
that’s not what he’s going for. He just want to be thinner, not that thin.
Junhong bookmarks the page, because he has control. He’ll just follow the tips
until he gets to his goal weight and then he’ll stop.
It’ll be easy. He’ll just
stop.
But Junhong doesn’t stop,
can’t stop, won’t stop until he’s beautiful in his way. And then suddenly,
control is a grey area.
▲
Junhong lets himself fall
deeper into his darkness as the weeks go on. Weigh in days come around but
Junhong barely watches the number drop, since he sees it after every meal now.
He doesn’t hear when manager-nim praises his weight loss, doesn’t hear when
Daehyun commends him, doesn’t hear when Yongguk asks if he’s pleased with the
effect of the diet. Junhong’s weight drops, but he’s still fat.
He works out with Jongup now,
instead of Yongguk. The leader had taken offence at first, but eventually had
seen it as Junhong pushing himself to new heights, and he’d proudly let his
magnae strive. Jongup thinks it’s fun at first, he and the magnae spending
mornings together as they ran or lifted or danced and sweated, but soon Jongup
starts to notice.
▲
I’m 100% aware that Junhong
shared the room with Daehyun [and Yongguk shared the room with Himchan] but I
just want to have a slice of banglo here. Sorry I’m just thirsty for banglo and will probably make fics about them in the future
who knows right
since y’all promised me
like hell to read it Y’ALL BETTER FUCKING DO BEFORE I SHUT DOWN THIS WHOLE BLOG
jk this is my life tho why would I– BUT LET’S SEE, YOU’RE ALL DEAD IF I DON’T
SEE EACH ONE OF YOU SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS UPDATE
[p/s : B.A.P doesn’t
weight as stated. They are around 60 ~ 63 while Himchan being the heaviest at 69 kg. I need to make up things a bit so um, they fit. Anyway their average
height is pretty high ya know. BUT ACTUALLY JUNHONG IS REALLY SKINNY THO ;;;
TT_TT]
[p/s/s: LET’S CHERISH THE HAPPY MOMENT FOR US AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! [I have exams going on for another week geez]]
-kairay.
2 Comments
thank you for the clarification at the end of the chapter, it helps me as a newbie a lot!
ReplyDeleteyou're welcome bb
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